The over six foot pharmacist: DEFINITELY NOT A MATCH

Wow, not even sure where to start on this one.  First of all, I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers (2-5 of you).  I took a break from blogging because of some minor surgery, but don’t you worry, I am back on the blogging train. 

So, for the next story, and possibly the best/worst date I have been on.  We met on match.com, on paper in his pictures (from the shoulder up) he looked normal.  Six foot five, pharmacist, interested in sports (playing and watching), in good shape, likes to travel, likes dogs, close with his family, wants children.  All of it sounded great. 

We started messaging back and forth, then emailing, emailing moved to texting and a couple of phone calls were thrown in there as well.  Finally, he planned a date on Sunday to the arboretum (outdoor nature park).  I had never been to this place, so I thought it would be fun.  He also mentioned drinking wine while there, so I needed to bring an opaque container so we wouldn’t get busted. 

We planned to meet at a restaurant parking lot near the arboretum which was a ways from my house, but close to my brothers.  I decided this was safe, even though I don’t like to ride in the car with strangers.  My thinking was, it would be okay since we parked at a place that was public. 

As Sunday rolled around, I was getting excited for the date.  So much that I rearranged my appointment with the cable company, and they came early in the morning rather than mid afternoon.  We planned to meet at 12:30. 

As I drove into the parking lot, I was looking for his car, a new style Ford Explorer.  I saw one with a Giant Happy face front plate and thought that surely was not him.  Wrong.  It was.  He got out of the car and started  waving.  I parked, checked my hair and lip gloss once more and went over to his car to meet him.  As he walked over, I noticed he was more feminine in his walking than girliest of women I know.  Bad sign. 

He popped the trunk/hatch to his car and I put my blanket (which he asked me to bring to sit on in case we wanted to rest at the arboretum).  He had a bottle of white wine on ice.  He then told me I could put my purse in the back for the drive to the arboretum.  I told him, no thanks.  I don’t like to have my personal belongings out of my control.  Before he shut the trunk, he wanted to check my opaque container.  It didn’t pass his inspection. 

We arrived at the arboretum and it was stroller and dog central.  Nothing I minded, but turns out, both things that he minded.  As we started our stroll, sans wine because my container was too risky, he noticed I was interested in the dogs and that’s when he came out with the big news…he was a cat lover.  He has one cat, that if I wasn’t riding with him in the front seat today, his cat would have been.  He said the cat is very dog and human like.  He is even looking into breeding the cat.  I couldn’t help myself and asked “people actually breed cats on purpose?  I thought they were all accidents.”  He didn’t find that funny. 

On a sidenote, I find it interesting that two of my dates have compared their pets to something they are not.  Fireman compared his dachshund to a much larger dog and now tall pharmacist compared his cat to a dog or a human. 

At this point, I knew this was not going to work out long term or even for much longer.  Then he asked me if I really did like watching and playing sports and being outside.  I told him, yes to all three.  I even reminded that the day before I was in my college town watching my nationally ranked alma mater win in a football game.  He said he didn’t really like sports, playing or watching and didn’t like being outside much either.  The kill shot….I am not sure if you knew this, but I wasn’t able to put it on match, but I am bisexual.  I about lost it.  I told him, how was I to know that?  Of course I didn’t know it. 

By now, I was ready to leave but he was insistent on continuing to walk around and talk more.  I told him we really didn’t have much in common or anything else to talk about.  He was dishonest on his profile and I have enough gay guy friends, I wasn’t looking for more, especially not on match.com. 

He began to talk about his new job he was going to be starting at a different pharmacy.  He mentioned it was a conflict of interest because he and his mother both have their degrees of some kind in energy and hand healing.  I didn’t ask him to elaborate, I was already extremely annoyed. 

He asked what my plans were for the rest of the day, I told him I had just gotten a text saying my friend was in labor, so I needed to get there (he didn’t need to know it was a few states away.).  I also told him my brother who lived close texted me and needed me to stop by to watch the nieces for a bit. 

As we drove back to the restaurant where my car was parked, he elaborated on the fact that he didn’t like dogs and didn’t want kids.  Add all of that up plus the fact that he was bisexual, loved cats and wanted to breed them, didn’t like sports, could barely walk because of his lack of coordination, no risk taking skills (sneaking wine into a park) and many other things it definitely wasn’t a match!  I even told him that. 

Fast forward 3 hours after date, a text arrived:  I had a great time today, I can’t wait to see you again!  Maybe another Sunday Funday next week?! 

My reply:  Thanks, but as I said at the park, we are not a match and I am not interested. 

Days later, I remembered he still had my blanket in his car.  I texted him and told him I needed that back, he said he could ship it to my office.  I told him, no, I would find a way to get it back.  Suggestions??

WHOA, almost forgot to mention…he was wearing this on the date.  Yep, that’s right a bug repellent clip on his belt. 

Most importantly, he made fun of my iPhone and this pulled out his windows phone that resembled Zack Morris's phone.  He then went on to criticize Steve Jobs and the fact that so many people were sad that he was dead.  I explained to him that he really did change the world.  He said that was crap, an he didn't agree.  We had to agree to disagree, but another reason we wouldn't work, I like Apple, he doesnt. 

Perfect example

Of the saying, there's somebody for everyone.
This guy was with his lady at the nail salon where she was getting a bright purple manicure with flowers on each finger.

This can't be good

I was running water and rinsing my dishes before putting them on the dishwasher (as my mother taught me) and realized my foot was getting soaked from water coming out of the bottom cabinet. I'm not a plumber but can tell you that the non functioning garbage disposal definitely needs to be replaced!

Not a Match Date, Instead A Craigslist Ad

A little background:
I posted an ad on Craigslist to see what type of housing is available to purchase or rent with one more bedroom than I currently have right now.  I said I wanted 2-3 bedrooms, in a certain part of town.  Basically, nothing like what this nutjob replied with:

Hi, I just read your ad on Craigslist and just wanted to check and see if you would be interested in the @#(*(@#*area. @(*#(@(* is a nice quiet place and not too far from the city, approx 17 miles.

I have a 1999 Oakwood Mobile Home that as of November is able to be moved or you can keep it at its current location. I would be willing to rent or lease to own or let you purchase out right. I am going thru a divorce and haven’t been staying there for a few months. I have done lots of work to it since I purchased it almost two years ago. New carpet throughout except the Kitchen and baths and laundry room. There is fresh paint in a few rooms but as I am planning on replacing doors and windows as well as insulating all of the exterior walls I have not painted all rooms. Paint has been purchased as well as a new vanity andgranite countertop for master bathroom and insulation.

I am looking for someone to take care of the place and maybe trade some work for rent etc. If you are interested I would be happy to show although it is under construction and my soon to be ex and I are in the process of sorting out his and my wants…

The mobile home is a three bedroom, two bath house with large kitchen, eat in dining room and separate laundry. Two of the bedrooms have large walk in closets and for a single wide (largest one made) it is quite large and comfortable. I just purchased a LG stainless steel refrigerator (largest I could buy) as well as a LG stainless Steel Dishwasher. I would be interested in including these items along with other household furnishings if needed for an extra amount or purchase outright. I have had the carpet installed November of last year and the appliances were purchased just a few months ago. There has been no smoking in the home.

If you are not interested but might know someone that might be, please let me know.

The lot rent includes water as long as you don’t go over 20.00 a month but together it is 398.50 (or close to) and I would work on rent. I just am going to be very picky due to all of the work I have put into the place.

My cell is ###-###-####, if possible text as if I don’t know your # I might let it go to voicemail.

I will be listing the home and all of its contents for sale this weekend, so early bird gets the worm. Plus I would be excited to find someone who is handy…could use some help installing the granite, and a the new shower as well as some other great little projects. I love to DIY so if your handy I’d be interested in meeting you.

Thanks again,

Bridesmaids

If you haven't seen the movie Bridesmaids, run don't walk to your local theatre or Chinatown and buy a pirated copy.  I saw this movie tonight with some friends and family members, pretty hilarious.  It was honestly laugh out loud funny.
I sat next to a woman in her mid 40's (judging by her hands and crow's feet and slow texting skills) who didn't laugh at much during the movie.  I started to worry about her, then I looked over, realized she was texting with the annoying key click noise on and playing Angry Birds.  Listen here lady, if you want I would gladly take the $9.75 admission fee you basically flushed down the toilet.

One of the characters in the movie reminded me of a match, who we will call the golfer.  Seems nice, has it together, good job, nice car etc...but a total commitophobe.  We hang out for a few weeks, go to dinner, watch movies, go on walks, then he pulls a disappearing act and I don't hear from him, and then he reappears 90 days later only to do the same thing again.  Each reappearing act is more dramatic than the previous one.  Let's see the past excuses:  golf season got really busy.  And yes, he is a good golfer, but anyone that refers to golf as golf season better be a Tiger Woods type of pro or a high school or college golfer with an actual season they are playing in.  Another excuse was that his sister was sick.  Yes, this one is true, she did have cancer, but she lives in a different state and he barely visits her at all, so not real sure what that excuse was.  The most recent reappearance wasn't really accompanied by an excuse, just an apology and a bottle of pinot noir.  I took the wine, listened to the apology.  This time I think I am really done with him.  In fact, I am half tempted to drop the bottle of wine off on his doorstep, just not sure if I should leave it full, empty or shattered.  Suggestions?

Spell check is important

Here is the first line of a profile I came across this evening:

About Me: What can I say about myself? I am your average fun loving 35 year old with a Batcholers degree in Bisness Administration. And  I spend my days volunteering at a local hospital doing clerical work and helping those in need. Personality: A bit Bashful, Philosophical & a Joker. Interests: Theise are always changing. But I tend to lean torward the conservitive side of what some consider fun. Although you will never catch me riding a motor sycle or bungie jumping off a bridge. I do enjoy the simpler things in life that are fun. Such as; going to the movies, taking walks in the park, or playing video games at home. Perfect Match: I am looking for that special someone to spend my free time with. This person need not be a super model to get my attention. Because I am looking for a long-term relation ship and I want to know the REAL you. And although children are not my forte, I have been known to grow to love them over time. Ideal Date: I would be lying if I said I was new to dating. But I do feel as if I know how to treat a woman with dignity and respect. An Ideal first date could be as extravagant as attending the local opera house or museum of fine arts, or as simple as meeting at a local pub or ice-cream shop. ^_^ *New* Would you like to play it safe and go on a virtual date first? I've been a proud member and citizen of SECOND LIFE for 6 years. Goto: www.secondlife.com to learn more. My in game name is the same.

There are lots of things that I think are nuts about this.  First, the spelling errors are horrendous. 

Next, a virtual first date?  WTF?  Not sure if I should be offended that Match actually suggested him to me.  

Moving on..

The Fireman....

To keep with the theme and until professions start to repeat themselves, I titled this one the Fireman.  It's been a few months, but I met a guy on Match and decided to go out with him on a Friday night.  He was a fireman in a local city that borders the one I live in.  And since he's an everyday hero, I decided it would be safe to have him pick me up at my house (not my brightest idea).
He picked me up in his early 90's Toyota that reeked of Axe.  For those of you that have not had the pleasure of being in a middle school classroom to smell what the awkward teenagers are dousing themselves in, consider yourself lucky.
He came to the door to meet me.  I wore flats, as I normally do on a first date, because you can just never trust the height they say they are, and this guy was no exception.  He said he was 6'1".  No freaking way, maybe only if he had a helmet on and was standing on the first rung of the ladder of the firetruck.

So, his first impression was that he was a liar and couldn't tell the truth about his height.  I just really wonder why men feel the need to lie about their height.  I am going to find out real quick, and it should be real awkward for them at that moment, but for some reason it isn't!
  Next, we went for Mexican food, this part is funny because when we were in communication, I mentioned I would prefer not Mexican.
We got to the restaurant, sat and ate.  All went well, mostly.  Convo was pretty boring, but I had no idea what would be coming next.  He suggested driving about 40 minutes away to go to an arcade mostly for adults.  I thought to myself "That would mean atleast 40 minutes in the car on the way there, some time to find a parking spot, play games, and then 40 minutes home."
I replied with, "No thanks, we can get a beer somewhere closer."
He said, "Well, I thought I would see how good you are in pop-a-shot at the arcade since you are tall and played basketball in high school."
I had no words for him.
We went to a bar near my house, got a booth.
While sitting at the booth, I drank vodka cranberry (not strong enough for what was about to happen).  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of atleast 30 photos and started quizzing me.  "Do you know what this is?" He would ask.  I would say no, and he would go in to say it was a double ladder pumping truck.  Or some sort of engine.  This went on for about 20 photos when I finally asked why he had all of those.  He said he was the official fleet photographer for the state.  I was confused by this, but he mentioned that many municipalities like to have pictures of their fleet of fire trucks and many citizens buy copies.  I don't buy that story for a minute, nor would I buy a picture of any city I have lived in firetruck fleet, unless there were hot firefighters posing in each photo.
He then went on to say that he loved dogs, asked what kind of dogs I liked, and I told him I preferred larger dogs.  He then spilled the beans that he raised dachsunds.  If that wasn't bad enough, he tried to defend the dachsunds saying, "If you didn't know, you would think they are a big dog."  Really?  If I didn't know, or if I was blind and lost my sense of touch to tell by petting it that it was a small dog.  He said dachsunds are very similar to labs, retrievers etc.
This date taught me one very good lesson.  Forget what they did in the old fashioned days, instead meet at a public location for a first date, that way you are not without wheels.  If I could have disappeared into the bathroom during the firetruck quiz session, I would have!

The Farmer that couldn't hear or take social cues

Since some other professions hadn't worked out, I decided to take a chance and go out with a farmer this evening.

We met at a local restaurant known for many beers and great food.  I decided to meet him there because I don't like being picked up for first dates (another post).  We met at the bar, I ordered a beer (Shiner) and he had a 7 and 7.  As I was reaching for my beer, he grabbed my hand to hold it.  I was thinking to myself, whoa buddy, I just met you, I am not really wanting to hold your hand or show PDA.  

Next, we got a table.  On our walk to the table he tried to tell me I was taller than what I posted on Match.  My thought was, way to go dumbass, you really know how to score points with ladies, tell them they are bigger than you thought.

We sit down at dinner, and he wants to order an appetizer that I don't like.  I told him I didn't care for wings, and he said, well, if I pay for them, then I guess you will have to eat them.  Wrong again, buddy.  Once again, we just met, you aren't going to tell me what I have to do or eat.  

I ended up ordering cheesey noodles and he ordered tuna.  He continued to try to push me to take a bite of his food.  I didn't want any and said no thanks and he kept trying.  So, I took the cue and asked him if he wanted a bite of mine, he slid the plate over to him and started chowing down.

He did take care of the bill.  

After paying, I had to pee very badly.  When I get nervous, I tend to drink lots of water.  I think the poor waitress had to refill my glass atleast 7 times, I just wish she would have stayed and sat down and acted as a buffer.  We stopped at the restroom on the way out.  When I came out of the restroom, he immediately tried to grab my hand.  I told him, that they were still wet (they were out of paper towels), and I put them in my pockets to work on drying them off.  We walked out and he suggested walking around the shopping area.  

While we were walking he made me extremely uncomfortable.  Why, you ask?  Let's start with the fact that he continued to try to stick his hands in my pockets,  grab my hands out of my pockets and hold my hands, tickle me (which I consider torture), stop in front of display windows and try to kiss me, and then the worst part was when he put his hand up the back of my shirt.  I asked him to stop all of these things and he didn't.  We passed by a bar which had a new name, he tried to tell me what it used to be called, and I knew he was wrong.  I told him what I thought it used to be called.  He tried to bet me $1000 that he was right.  Finally, I told him I was ready to go back to my car and go home.  He seemed upset.  As we walked to my car he accused me of having another date tonight.  I assured him I didn't.  He then asked what we were doing on Saturday because he wanted to go out with him and stay the night.   I told him I was not staying the night and I already had plans for Saturday night.  

As he walked me to my car, he continued to try to grab my butt and I continued to swat his hand away and told him to stop.  He asked me to let him know when I made it home.  I texted him when I made it home.  I also checked google for the previous name of the bar, I was right.  I should have taken the bet.

  

Hmm, where to start, how about with a convict?

I have wanted to start this blog for a bit, but finally have enough "fodder" to post and talk about.
I have been on Match.com on and off for about a year, with a break here and there for some dating relationships, but nothing too serious for the most part.
I seriously have picked some winners and have definitely learned from them as well.
About a year and a half ago I was contacted by a guy on Match that seemed to be a good fit, involved with sports, worked for a local university (not the one I attended), liked to golf and liked to travel.  We went to dinner three times, all of the times we met at the restaurant because I do not like people to pick me up at my house until I know they are somewhat normal.
During the first meal, he smiled and flashed his metal mouth.  This metal mouth was nowhere in pictures on his profile, which I assumed were recent.  Don't get me wrong, I was in braces for about 4.5 years and can appreciate someone trying to better themselves and their self esteem, but a little warning please.
So after I got past the part that he had braces, I had to listen to him brag about his job and all of the perks that go along with it.  Some of those perks were, a dealer car from a local dealership that he could trade in and up often, the ability to fly with the team on the university jet to any away sporting event, tons of golf opportunities and the ability to go to just about any game big or small that the university was playing in.  Reminder, I did not attend this school and can't really stand the school, so the fact that he was trying to brag about the sporting events didn't really impress me.  He also bragged about the fact that he didn't have to work many hours at all and basically had summers off.  That part sounded nice.  He said he was spending his summer working with an architect for a house he wanted to build on a large piece of land between the town where the university is and the larger metropolitan area here in the Midwest.  I was thinking all of this was a bit suspicious for a person in their early 30's and with a job working for a state school.  After a few more dates/brag sessions for him,  I decided we didn't have much in common and this wasn't going anywhere.  No more than 3 months later, I signed onto the local newspaper and there was his face for ticket fraud, tax evasion etc.  He was being investigated by the FBI and was in big trouble.  Turns out, he was part of a big ticket scandal at the university.  This investigation took place for about a year and ended with an indictment and sentencing for him and the others involved.  He's in the slammer for about 46 months and when he gets out he will owe a couple million dollars.
During his investigation, he would text me and ask how I was, if I knew of any jobs, etc.  I finally replied to him and asked him not to contact me again and that he probably didn't need to worry about a job as he was going to be pretty busy soon (meaning prison).
The day of the sentencing my dad sent me the link to the news story with a message saying:  I guess we won't need to save a place for him at any upcoming Thanksgivings.
That's the first match...it can only get better from there right?  We shall see...